Cerita Lama

Langit mendung memayungi kereta yang sedang bergerak menyusuri jalan raya itu. Mentari semalam tidak lagi berkongsi cahayanya sejak pagi tadi.

Entah kenapa, cuaca pada hari tersebut sepertinya menemani suram mindaku.

"Macam orang belakang ni lah. Semua A."  Mata Haikal memandangku melalui cermin belakang kereta daripada tempat pemandu. Tawanya masih berbaki hasil perbualannya dengan Nabilah.

"Shut up," jawabku senada. Tidak marah, tidak juga suka. Hanya sekadar mencelah, "Nobody asked." tambahku sambil menatap suasana kereta-kereta yang berhenti di lampu isyarat.

Sekali dengar, reaksiku jelas dingin. Karakter itu sepertinya sudah sebati dengan diriku, meskipun apa yang aku maksudkan tidaklah seemosi itu. Ia membuatkan mereka yang kurang mengenaliku berhati-hati dalam bicara kerana batas yang samar-samar daripada pemilik diri yang dilihat sebagai pendiam ini.

Syukur Haikal sudah mengenaliku lebih sedikit untuk memahami bahawa aku sebenarnya tidak marah dalam bahasa itu. "I'm just saying." Dia membuat gaya mempertahankan diri dengan sengih yang tidak lekang.

Aku menggeleng perlahan, "Cerita lama lah."

Haikal bertukar posisi bersedia untuk lampu isyarat bertukar hijau, "Cerita lama itu lah yang akan kekal dengan kau sampai mati, tahu?" ujarnya. Kereta yang dinaiki kami bertiga mula bergerak perlahan, "Perkara lama itu tidak akan dapat kau rasa lagi sepertimana kali pertama kau merasakannya. Cerita lama itu berharga kerana ia tidak akan berulang... Atau mungkin, kerana ia boleh berulang lagi pada suatu masa nanti. Siapa tahu, kan?"

Aku membiarkan kata-katanya tertanam ke dalam mindaku. Senyuman kecil terukir tanpa sedar.

What will happen in the future, and will it be the same?

If I get the chance to achieve things all over again, will I take it?

Or will I leave it, because of how much my view of this world have changed?

"Heh," aku tertawa sinis, "Deep pula kau petang-petang ini." Gurauku cuba menyembunyikan betapa kata-kata itu memberi kesan terhadap jiwaku.

"Hahaha. Tengoklah langit. Mendung." jawabnya selamba. Entah apa kaitannya, aku sendiri tidak pasti.

Apa yang aku pasti, diri ini sudah banyak berubah. Diri yang lama akan memilih waktu bersendiri berbanding meluangkan masa dengan mereka yang baru dikenali dalam beberapa minggu. Diri yang lama sukar memberi peluang terhadap orang lain dan hanya membiarkan sikap prejudis menguasai tingkahlaku. Diri yang lama takut untuk memberi kebaikan kepada manusia yang rata-ratanya kerap menyia-nyiakan nikmat.

Aku masih takut. Tapi aku sedang belajar untuk berani. Berani berubah, sedikit demi sedikit. Meskipun tiada yang peka. Cukuplah aku sedar adanya Dia, dan orang-orang baik yang Dia kurniakan sebagaimana yang aku rayu untuk sentiasa berada dekat dengan aku. Cerita lama akan aku simpan. Selamanya, ia adalah sebahagian daripada aku.

Terpedaya.

Dia bangun dari tempat solatnya dan berpindah ke saf belakang. Suasana yang lengang pada waktu Zohor itu memudahkan dia untuk mencari tempat solat baharu.

Stoking lengan ditarik sedikit ke pergelangan bagi memastikan auratnya ditutup dengan sempurna, "Allahuakbar," takbir diangkat.

Dalam hati, dia cuba untuk meluruskan niat sebaik mungkin. Jujur, dia bukanlah seorang Muslimah yang melazimi solat sunat sebelum dan selepas solat fardu. Namun apabila menunaikan kewajipan kedua rukun Islam itu di masjid universiti, dia sedar bahawa dia mewakili fakultinya iaitu Pengajian Islam dan banyak mata-mata yang memandang. Dia berasa bertanggungjawab untuk menunjukkan contoh terbaik kepada masyarakat sekaligus menjaga nama golongan agamawan daripada dituduh sebagai kelompok yang mempunyai ilmu tetapi tidak mengamalkan. Dia tidak mahu akibat dirinya seorang, seluruh kelompok tercalit pandangan buruk orang ramai.

Walaupun jauh di lubuk hati, dia terkadang mempersoalkan niat sendiri.

**

Jam 3 pagi.

Matanya masih belum memberikan tanda-tanda mahu tidur. 'Satu jam lagi, inshaallah,' dia bermonolog sendiri. Kafein di sebelah komputer riba dihirup bagi mengekalkan fokus terhadap tugasannya.

Dia sedang mengumpulkan isi penting daripada sebuah karya agung Hujjatul Islam Imam Al-Ghazali, Ihya' Ulumuddin. Ingin sekali dia membaca dengan teliti satu persatu kata ulama' itu, tetapi dia tidak punya kemewahan masa. Hanya bab-bab yang berkaitan dengan tajuk tugasannya menjadi pilihan.

Riak. Topik yang sedang dicerna. Terdapat pelbagai tingkatan dan keadaan belitan syaitan menerusi sifat itu. Dia hanya terus membaca, sehingga sampai pada satu ayat; situasi yang mirip dengan persoalan yang disimpannya semenjak dua menjak ini.

"Sesungguhnya keberatan engkau kepada si pencela itu, adalah kerana agama semata-mata. Dan ini adalah penipuan syaitan semata-mata."

Jiwanya sedikit tersentak. Dia cuba memahami perenggan itu sehabis baik. Kemudian dia tersandar, bermuhasabah.

'Membuat kebaikan di hadapan orang kerana ingin mengelakkan fitnah terhadap golongan tertentu, sedangkan ketika bersendirian tidak diperbuat ibadah seperti itu. Hakikat seorang mukmin itu tahu bahawa dia harus menyayangi dirinya terlebih dahulu sebelum menyelamatkan orang lain. Apakah justifikasi kita untuk menyelamatkan orang lain tetapi mengabaikan diri sendiri ketika bersendirian dengan Tuhan? Melainkan ini adalah sebahagian tipu daya syaitan daripada sifat riak,'

Mindanya merumuskan.

Hela nafas menjadi berat. Sungguh dia tidak menyangka begitu sekali dia terperdaya.

"Astaghfirullahalazhim... Astaghfirullahalazhim..."

Masih banyak yang perlu diperbaiki. Dia mengambil masa menerima khilaf sendiri.

Moga Allah SWT ampunkan kita.

#KitaJagaKita

"Babe," Anne memanggilku, "Ini aku ada beli nasi goreng. Makanlah," dia menghulurkan bungkusan kecil itu kepadaku.

Aku meneliti bungkusan itu dengan rasa aneh. Langit sudah senja. Masakan kami hendak makan nasi goreng pada waktu-waktu begini?

"Beli dekat mana?" aku bertanya.

Anne duduk di bawah kipas ruang tamu rumah kami. Barangkali masih penat selepas pulang dari kerja. Peti sejuk aku buka untuk menyimpan makanan tadi sementara menunggu jawapannya.

"Ada budak kecil jual berhampiran kedai aku tadi. Tak sampai hati tengok," Anne menjawab, "Ibu aku pesan, waktu-waktu kuarantin macam ini kalau nampak orang berniaga, belilah. Jangan takut tiada duit. Inshaallah, Allah akan gantikan dengan rezeki yang lebih luas,"

Aku tersenyum mendengar dia mengulang nasihat bondanya.

"Dan sekarang aku sudah tiada duit!" Anne meluahkan ketawa hambar.

Aku tergelak kecil, "Tidak mengapa. Barang rumah banyak lagi, boleh masak. Atau pun esok aku beli promo Burger King, kita makan sama-sama. Okay?" Aku mempelawa, "Yang penting kau jangan nak tengok FoodPanda atau aplikasi sebegitu. Habis semua peniaga kecil engkau mahu bantu nanti," gurau aku.

I know a girl.

I know a girl.

She's older than me.
She has this bright aura that makes everyone feels comfortable around her.
She's wise,
a role model for her sons,
a graceful wife for her husband,
and an inspirational classmate
for many of us.
She's called "the heroin" of our class.

**

I know a girl.

She works part-time
in between classes and during weekend.
She's independent,
a loving older sister,
a YOLO kind of friend,
and a good housemate of mine.
She set her own standard and live up to it
despite her surroundings demanding her to be otherwise.

**

I know a girl.

She manages a lot of programs.
She's humble,
a reliable teammate,
a talented artist,
and an amazing friend who
was once my roommate.
She works behind the scene
where outsiders don't know her name.
But she never minds because she isn't really into that fame.

**

I know these girls.

They're admirable and strong.
They don't live by someone else's
way of life.
But each of them lead
their own story
in the best way they can.

Zestasia - Final Chapter

An epiphany had came upon me.

These days, I had been thinking about memories we could have together. I had goals and plans for the final semester. And I wanted to execute them before we end our degree.

But a small part of me kept asking,

Is this the right thing to do?
What do I get from all of these?
Since when do I become a superficial who needs a person to physically present to be sure that they're there?

My mind was clouded and my soul couldn't seem to accept this. So I reached out to people. I asked and asked, until I found the answer I wanted.

I want to be your friend, lillahi ta'ala.

It doesn't matter if we don't talk anymore. It doesn't matter if it hurts that you build this wall up between us, and stop taking care of my heart entirely. I'm your friend for His sake, hence I only want good for you.

No more risky plans. No more goals that can taint our reputation. If being far is the best place for me to take a good care of you, then so be it. It's still painful sometimes. It's not okay. But Allah won't let it go to waste. And I believe that.

Let's take care of each other well.

***

Zestasia is another "book" I wrote on wattpad. It isn't a story. More like a collection of letters or something.

Hacker - Chapter 8: By Its Cover

I checked the phone after the shower to find an unread text.

'Apparently someone's craving for western food. Would you mind accompanying me to this one place?' Zack asked.

It's me. I was that someone.

'No' I replied shortly.

Hanging the towel, I was about to dry my hair when a text came in, 'I'm sorry that we haven't known each other long enough for you to understand that it's an order instead of a request,'

I groaned. My finger had started to type a reply, 'I only free tonight'

'Nice'

'Yeah and I hate last minute plan. You better make this good' I ended it with a gun emoji.

'Can't promise. See you at 9'

Not sure how many times I'd questioned this, but, did this guy only exist to annoy me?

**

Killing two birds with a stone. That's actually a very intelligent move; except that he forgot to tell me that we're going to have a dinner at a hella fancy restaurant which was, of course, in my goal list.

And I was wearing a freaking sweater.

He didn't miss my deadly glance as we entered the place. And I didn't even bring that much money - well, enough for a little bit of higher price menu but this place was too fancy man I'm telling you. I was welcomed by the one second does this lady never learn about dress code kind of look from the workers as well. Mental note to ask him what should I wear every time we go out together.

Done placing our order, he started to eye me.

"I hate you," I said.

He let out a chuckle at the sudden statement.

And now I hate you even more for being damn cute after embarrassing me. I rolled my eyes and looked out of the window. His eyes were still on me that it was getting awkward, so I finally looked him back, "Do you want a picture?" I asked with a fake sweet smile plastered on my lips.

He curved that signature half smile and shook his head, "I just thought about how this world care so much about look. If they knew who you really are, inside, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't dare to look at you that way,"

My fake smile faded as he uttered those thoughtful words, "And who am I inside, Mr.?" I raised a brow.

Instead of answering, he just shrugged and leaned on his seat.

I scoffed, "How can you talk about something you don't know?"

This time, it was his smile that disappeared. He leaned in again, putting his arms on the table, "I have questions," he said seriously.

I straighten my body at his tone, "Shoot,"

He was about to open his mouth when the waitress came with our drinks. We said "Thank you," and I started to sip mine as the waitress left.

"Why do you pray?"

I was quite taken aback with the question and accidentally coughed, "What?" I asked back.

Zack swallowed nothing - or probably his pride, "You heard me," he mumbled.

I wet my lips. There was a sudden change in our atmosphere and I was trying my best to cope with it, "To say thanks to Him," I answered.

His brows creased, "You're stuck with me and Edward and the cost is your future. Why do you say thanks?"

I looked down at the table and sipped my drink again, "For this," I showed the drink, "It's delicious, you know. Want to taste some?" I nonchalantly responded before drinking again.

It was just the fact that we're serious two seconds ago and suddenly he opened a life and death question. Give me some time to adjust, please.

His furrowed burrows stayed that way as if demanding a real answer from me. Realizing what he's actually inviting here for, I pushed my drink aside.

"What's on your mind, Zack?" I asked genuinely.

He moved his lips apart, probably deciding where to start, "He took everything away. He took her away..." his eyes were on me but I could almost see he's picturing his mother, "If God was fair, why do I have to live like this?" he asked.

Despite the comfortable, shiny, beautiful restaurant we're at, everything seemed to be gloomy.

"Live like what?" I purposely wanted him to make his view of himself clearer.

"Like this," he stated, "In grudge, doing illegal jobs, playing with someone's life,"

I took a few moments and leaned on my seat, "Then stop,"

He darted his eyes to me again, "What?"

"You hate this kind of life, then stop. Forget about the grudge, find legal jobs, stop playing with my life,"

He scoffed, "Are you insane?"

"Does somebody force you to do all this?"

"Yes,"

"Who?"

"Edward Kaine," his voice was full of hatred, "He sabotaged my father, he killed my mother. I have to seek revenge, Rae," he said, "He deserves to suffer,"

I shook my head slightly, "We're not talking about him, we're talking about you," I stated, "What would happen if you didn't do all this?"

Once again, his lips were apart but nothing came out.

The waitress came again with our food. Zack didn't even pay her a glance so it was only me who said "Thanks,". My eyes moved back to him after the waitress had walked away, only to find him stared into nothing, holding in the answer we both knew.

"You lived a peaceful life. That's what would happen," I said softly.

There was a very long silence and he wouldn't seem to be talking or touching the food anytime soon. I hadn't touch mine either.

"When prophet Muhammad SAW lost his uncle and wife in the same year, he was devastated. He could hold a grudge and stop preaching towards the people of Mecca, but he didn't," I storied, "He lived his life and did his responsibility just like before," Zack's eyes stayed on me, "Prophet Adam was thrown out of the heaven and was separated from his wife. He could rebel and do anything he wanted on earth as God seemed to not want him in paradise anymore. But he didn't. He repented and asked for Allah's guidance," he's still quiet as I continued, "Prophet Job was tested with years of illness and poverty and being left by his own family, but never had he ever once blame Him,"

They were the stories we've heard since we're children. Important events had been happening so much in every stage of our lives, we gradually forgot about them and the important lessons we should've taken from them.

"I'm not asking you to do the same. You're not a prophet. But, I hope you remember that they're humans too -- and just like us, they had choices," I reminded him.

It wasn't a direct advice but he's smart enough to get my point: God is fair. He gives us options on how we react to His tests. Our choices aren't the reflection of God's flaws -- it's ours. It'd be in vain if we tried to mold this world into our definition of justice, because life isn't always fair, and that's what He created hereafter for.

Now, the real question is whether we would let the tests of this world build us or ruin us.

After what felt like forever, he slightly nodded and started to touch his food. There's nothing much to say so I just ate as well. The vibe had changed and we devoured the food very much peacefully.

Done eating, Zack called for the bill. I'd already passed my money but he kept resisting to pay by saying that he was raised a gentleman and it'd hurt his pride. Like I care. The waitress giggled at our small argument about the payment and for some reason I felt like an idiot. Eventually I shut up and gave in. My attire had decreased my confidence, honestly.

Stepping out of the place, he said while walking, "If you're afraid that I paid with illegal money, just remember that I teach hacking classes as well and that thing is definitely legal," he smiled before getting into the car.

*******
Author's note: this is a fictional story I wrote on wattpad. Just sharing this one part here because of the Islamic message. You can find the full story on wattpad. Thanks for reading. ♡

Cukup

**

"اللهم أعني على ذكرك وشكرك وعلى حسن عبادتك"

**

Dulu, entah kenapa, aku rasa ragu-ragu untuk mengamalkan doa ini. Akal yang masih sempit membisikkan rasa takut andai doa tersebut menyebabkan rezeki aku semakin berkurangan (silly, i know). Walhal rasa syukur dan mengingati Tuhan itu boleh datang dalam bentuk yang pelbagai, termasuk nikmat dan kemewahan. Doa ini bukan perihal rezeki, tetapi reaksi terhadap rezeki.

Suatu hari, aku sedang sibuk menulis skrip untuk satu video yang bakal diterbitkan oleh salah seorang sahabat aku. Pintu bilik ditutup rapat dan dikunci dek kebisingan di ruang tamu yang agak menganggu fokus. Tema video tersebut ialah, happiness.

Kebahagiaan.

Aku meneliti isi yang disenaraikan lalu mengolah mesej tersebut dalam bentuk penceritaan. Sampai di bahagian hampir akhir, jari aku terhenti.

Apa sebenarnya kebahagiaan?
What is happiness?

Apa yang aku nak sampaikan melalui video ini? Jawapan yang mereka perlu cari sendiri, atau sepatutnya aku memberi jawapan?

Satu persatu tanda tanya muncul dalam kepala. Penceritaan yang tadi telah kemas ditaip, aku baca semula. Jika tadi aku hanya fokus untuk menterjemah dan bercerita, kali ini aku menganalisa setiap bait perkataan yang ingin disampaikan. Melihat gambaran yang lebih besar, satu perkataan muncul dalam minda aku.

Contentment.

Rasa cukup. Atau istilah islamiknya, qana'ah. Apa yang membuatkan kita tidak gembira, kebanyakannya adalah kerana kita berasa tidak cukup. I need more. I deserve better. Why does this happen to me? Bisikan-bisikan yang membuatkan hati kita resah. Jiwa kita kosong.

Menulis skrip itu, pintu hati aku terasa seperti diketuk lembut. Ya, bersyukur untuk bahagia itu adalah sesuatu yang cliche dan biasa disebarkan dalam status-status WhatsApp, Facebook, dan Instagram. Kata-kata tersebut sudah seperti mantra yang diterapkan dalam kumpulan-kumpulan "budak agama". Tetapi, menemui sesuatu atas tindakan orang lain berbanding dengan menyedari sesuatu atas usaha kerja minda sendiri, berbeza rasanya. Maka, pada solat seterusnya, aku menambah satu lagi doa dalam rutinku.

"Ya Allah, Kau bantulah aku untuk mengingati-Mu, bersyukur kepada-Mu, dan memperbaiki ibadahku kepada-Mu."

Aku tidak minta harta dan kemewahan. Aku tidak minta nama dan kecantikan. Aku hanya ingin cukup. Syukur.

Kerana aku hanya ingin bahagia.