I’m starting this writing with zero things in mind. I only have these feelings, though it’s faded as I put the music away from my ears. Coming back to reality, it doesn’t seem to matter. But it’s not something that I can escape. Because it is, too, a part of my reality.
Is it my insecurity, or my guts? Which of those two that told me?
I’m struggling to be comfortable saying ‘no’ and doing something that, in my judgement, is better for myself. The feeling of being judged is driving me insane. But it’s something that we can’t escape, can we?
The feeling is overwhelmed that often, it’s my tears that do the talking instead of my mouth or hands. I want writing to be my therapy, but at times I couldn’t get it translated by any word or letter. It just, is.
I keep asking myself, who am I doing this for? Because deep down, I know it’s not for me. It’s not because of myself, but others. It’s always been like that. The selfless nature that I thought is dead, is actually eternal and making me conflicted. I’m standing in the middle of trying to love myself and being a kind person for others. The latter seems to be my tendency but, sometimes it’s pointless. It’s making me view myself as this naïve, foolish little girl, who doesn’t know the dark side of the world.
“In the end, fools change the world,” – BTS
Their words made me rethink. Right now, every hint dropped is telling how my decision is wrong.
But my heart doesn’t want it. For some reasons I don’t understand, it refuses.
For somebody who likes math and rarely understands arts, it’s an odd decision to follow your heart. But somehow the feelings it produces, is making me go against my logic.
I said I needed a break, but honest to be said I just want to quit. Again, the only reason that’s preventing me from being honest is their judgement. I’m scared of their judgement.
Who am I doing this for? Them, or myself?
