Gap

Me and Maya were talking about a hangout plan through a WhatsApp call that night.

"I'm honestly very unsure to join." I repeated this answer a few times already, but she didn't give up.

"Actually, Rin..." She replied. "Can I ask you something? And I want you to be honest with me."

I nodded while speaking. "Okay." I knew how much Maya appreciate straight-forward communication.

"I noticed you're no longer passionate in our friendship like before."

True.

"At first, I thought it's because of all this adulthood matters. But over time... I don't know, it seems like the dynamic has changed between us four. You no longer want to spend time with us, instead you choose your other friends despite how far they are. Is something wrong? Can we try to fix it?"

I sighed. "Maya," I wet my lips. "You're right. I'm a bit surprised that you noticed."

"Of course I do." She chipped in.

"But it isn't your fault. You're good. It's..." I paused. "Aafi." I mentioned one of our girls. "I don't feel fun with her. The conversation feels childish. It's like you're 16 and never grew up. Aren't we all adult now? I don't know what a proper adult should be conversing but the only highlight I remember talking with her last time is about a boy. Can you believe it?" I ranted. It felt so good to get it out of my chest, I could hardly stop.

Maya didn't respond. I wasn't sure if she was surprised or just waiting if I wanted to speak more.

"I don't dislike her. I don't want to risk our friendship. I just... There's this gap that makes me not enjoy her presence anymore. And you know when I don't enjoy my time with somebody, I'd rather be alone. Especially you three for some reason really like to be 'all or nothing' is our plan. Can we just chill with two or three of us sometimes without it being an issue?" I continued.

"I get what you mean." She finally replied. "You know Aafi. She doesn't have the opportunity to progress in our pace. People often overlook the fact that financial status does effect emotional well-being. When you can only do so much, you have less things to worry and more time to waste."

"Hardship builds character." I agreed. "And it'd be apparent if you don't face much."

"Remember Casey? She was also quite childish before. But then she lived 5 years in adversity and turned out really attractive; personality-wise." Maya reminded me of our school mate.

"Oh, yes." I did remember her. "I felt very content talking with her last time, though we didn't even vibe in high school. It's insane."

I bet Maya was nodding her head. "Ditto."

We both were silent for a few seconds.

"So... now that you know what I feel about our friendship..." I trailed off.

"I can't speak on behalf of the girls, you know that." She chuckled slightly. "But I won't force you to join us in every hang out anymore. Personally, I wouldn't mind. It's just a wonder before, why you acted different."

"Because my level of tolerance is lower than yours, Maya." I cut in with a smile.

She laughed. "She will grow up. We all do."

Ijazah

 "Diatur," Aku bersuara sambil memandu. "Berbunyi seperti keperluan seorang 6 tahun, kan?"

Nia tidak membalas.

"Seperti tak sesuai untuk dibuat terhadap seseorang yang sudah punya identiti sendiri, mampu membuat keputusan sendiri dan bertanggungjawab atas baik buruknya. Seorang dewasa macam kita, dan remaja macam mereka."

"Tapi mereka belum betul-betul faham keputusan yang mereka nak buat." Nia tak setuju. "Aku tak rasa kita patut biarkan generasi akan datang tak berpendidikan, Ra. Apa nak jadi kalau semua orang tak mahu sambung belajar dan mahu terus bekerja? Memanglah kelulusan SPM pun boleh jadi HR gaji ribu riban sekarang, tapi akhirnya kita akan jadi masyarakat dan negara yang tak bijak." Dia menggeleng dengan bayangannya sendiri. "Hidup cuma mengejar duit."

Tiba-tiba kami memikirkan masalah negara.

"Atau..." Aku menyatakan kemungkinan di sudut lain. "Kalau semua orang sambung belajar, kita akan menjadi negara yang graduannya menyumbang kemahiran di negara lain sebagai pekerja asing, dalam pekerjaan bawahan yang tiada kaitan pun dengan ijazah mereka." Aku menolehnya sekilas di tempat duduk penumpang. "Sebab negara kita sudah tak mampu nak wujudkan peluang pekerjaan untuk graduan, sejumlah dari generasi kita sehingga beberapa tahun akan datang. Ramai."

Dia terdiam.

"Aku tak salahkan sesiapa tak mahu sambung belajar. Kau nampak sendiri, generasi kita pun masih dalam dilema. Yang berkerjaya bagus, tidak gembira. Yang tidak mahu melalui jalan sama, juga tidak gembira. Kita habiskan masa, tenaga dan wang hanya untuk terpedaya."

"Ra..."

"Kau pun tahu kan, Nia? Aku, contohnya... Aku dah bagi semuanya... Semuanya kepada sistem ini. Aku percayakan kata-kata mereka bahawa belajar pandai maka masa depan cerah, belajar tinggi nanti hidup senang. Aku kehilangan keseronokan remaja. Aku hilang peluang-peluang yang mereka kata tak penting. Aku capai sebaik-baik keputusan dengan jerih dan air mata." Perbualan kami menjadi terlalu peribadi bagi aku. "Dan aku cuma minta satu."

Nia menunggu aku menyambung bicara.

"Aku cuma minta untuk tak jadi cikgu." Sesuatu yang sejujurnya semua orang tahu. "Tapi akibat permintaan yang satu itu, sistem ini tidak memberi apa-apa semula pun kepada aku."

Ruangan itu menjadi sunyi.

"Generasi akan datang bukan manja. Mereka bukan malas. Tapi mereka tak mahu terpedaya. Macam kita."