It is December. A month that reminds me about him the most. I felt like writing something related, but I've spent a potion of my life for him too much. Our story isn't something that I have regrets about. But it has ended. And I'd like it to stay that way.
So, instead of focusing on our story, I'd like to reminisce a bit of my growth. A chapter of my life that not many know.
***
- October, 2015 -
“Aira, wake up,” Maya’s soft voice was heard and I felt a hand around my shoulder.
I turned my body and opened my eyes a bit to see her already sitting on my bed, “What do you want?” I stretched.
“What do I want? Girl we got two last papers tomorrow. Come on get up and study. Since when did you sleep early on exam’s nights?”
Since I’m depressed because of a boy. I didn’t need to voice out my thought to make her felt like something’s wrong. I’d fully awaken but still hadn’t got the motivation to sit up.
“Come on,” she urged again, giving me some space to move.
I finally sat up, reached for my book and opened it in front of her.
“Look, I got the target questions but we must keep it low key because chances are, these are exactly what will be on the papers tomorrow,” she put a piece of paper on my book.
I furrowed my brows, “Where did you get this?”
Sideway smile, Maya answered, “I have my way,”
Her boyfriend. I didn’t know how, but she always asked him about the questions and he mostly got them accurately.
“Just trust me, okay,” she reassured.
I gave flat smile and marked the related topics before handed the paper back to her.
“What’s wrong?” she asked as she kept the paper. Told you she'd knew if something was wrong.
I sighed, “Ash,”
Her face turned to a deep frown.
“He didn’t give any goody to me, but to Marina. Mel handed it in front of my eyes saying it’s the last one,”
Maya whined, “He did WHAT?!”
Juniors beside my bed snapped their eyes to her, but only received an eye roll from Maya before minding their own businesses back.
“It’s fine. It’s just a goddamn goody,” that he didn't give you because you're nobody in his life. Even Marina is on top of you. She matters more to him than you do. I shook off the thoughts, fingers started to flip the pages.
Maya held me with doubting eyes, “Okay,” she didn’t push though.
We started to focus on our books and let the silence filled. For a few minutes. Before I let the huge sigh slipped from my lips as I realized nothing absorbed by my brain.
“Easy there…” Maya eyed me with pity.
I tried again but my mind kept messing with me.
Nerd. He's probably annoyed with you being easy and vulnerable most of the time. Cutting your friendship just to find out you're the loser. Pathetic.
Eventually, I looked away from the book. Maya put her attention on me again. My head down, I covered my face with my hands, “I can’t do this,” I confessed, “I’ve never been this bothered that I literally, can’t, focus, on anything else,” I stressed.
“You can do this, Aira. You’re stronger than this,” she encouraged.
I just quiet. Moments passed. Small sobs started to come out of my mouth. And that’s when she realized how serious this had affected me. She took a hand of mine, exposing my wet eyes. Tears rolled down my cheeks and dropped on a page of the book.
“I can’t…” I forced the words out, “Why does he do this to me? Why did he do it during a trial week?” I cried, “Why her?”
I heard Maya swore under her breath. She didn’t do anything but let me letting it all out first. It took minutes for me to gradually sober up. Once my sobs had slowed down, she took that as a cue to start moving and sat closer to me with the target questions paper in hand, “Do you see this?”
I gave a small nod.
“Why do you think Allah give this to you?” she asked.
I was taken aback.
“So that you can cry all night and neglect your study? So that you can blindly ignore His gift at the times when you need it the most, letting go of your A's, because of a boy?”
I stared at the paper blankly as she uttered the words.
“These are the 99% questions for both papers tomorrow, Aira. Ashton is nothing, nothing compared to how important this exam is. Don't ruin yourself like this. Allah has literally eased tomorrow for you... Please don't take it for granted,”
I silenced for a few more moments, contemplating her words. Finally, gathering my strength, I chinned up, “You’re right,” I said, “Thank you,”
She curved a smile, “You lost yourself for a bit there,” she stated understandingly before we continued studying.
**
- November, 2015 -
It was the night after the quiz. We had two more days here – one for other competitions and one for the closing ceremony.
Shay and I were lying on one single bed, sharing it as usual. The dorm here was so different from the practice place. It was the opposite of cozy. The fan’s broken, bed’s old and dusty, you’ve to buy your own food, but we got allowance so I guess that’s fine. Other participants decided to sleep on the floor; still on the bed but they dragged them on the floor. Probably because they’re afraid if the rusty iron suddenly fell on them or something.
Not for me and Shay, though. We liked to have our little privacy. We could be completely silent beside each other and still felt content with it. I was on my phone when Shay was staring up the ceiling. Realizing she probably had enough rest she said she wanted, I turned off the phone and turned to lie on my side, facing her.
“What are you thinking?” I started the conversation with a slow voice.
It was late. Other participants had probably gone to sleep.
“Nothing,” she replied. Her eyes darted to the necklace I was wearing. She touched it, “It’s pretty,”
I smiled, “Thanks, someone gave it as a birthday gift,”
“Who?”
I was shut for a moment before finally answering, “Ashton,” It was a guitar-pick necklace with the name of my favourite band. There’s only 5 of them sold in my country. Very limited, indeed. I wasn’t that serious when I said I wanted it – I preferred a beanie more, but I guess it’s what suitable within his savings at that moment.
For a second, Shay seemed to be taken aback, “Oh,” she said.
“Yeah,” I responded sheepishly.
There was an awkward silence before she broke it, “Are you guys a thing?” she asked again.
My brows furrowed at the question. I thought everybody know about us? How did she not hear this?
“No,” I replied shortly, “We’re close friends, but not more than that… I think,”
Shay was studying my face, “Do you wanna tell me more?” It was more like a request than a question.
I looked at her eyes to find curiosity. She's my bestie, she deserved to know. Took a deep breath, I said, “Yes,”
And I told her everything. About Kyle, Henley, Amanda, Marina, Maya. She didn’t miss a thing. I smiled and I cried, the questions and confessions were all known by her. When I finally finished spilling, Shay remained silent. Her hand’s still on my shoulder as I wiped the last tear from flowing. My heart was filled with too many emotions in that moment, and I didn’t know if Shay could understand it.
After what seemed like forever, she finally voiced out, “I watched you during the accountancy paper 1 exam,” She was seated just behind me in the hall, “You slept,” Shay stated as a matter of fact.
I smiled flatly as I knew she noticed - I never slept in exam hall.
”You never slept in exam hall," she muttered as if reading my mind, "You didn’t check your answers as well. It’s weird. You just straightened your body, put your pencil aside… and slept,” There’s a hint of disappointment in her voice.
I didn’t think I could look into her eyes anymore, “I could do better, I know,” Another tear had threatened to come out.
We’re in a position where I laid on my back and Shay turned her body left side, facing me.
“You know, I’ve heard about you and Ashton before. People talk,” Of course they do, “They said you and him are a thing,”
This time, I was the one who quiet. Are we a thing? I don’t even know.
“But I don’t believe them,” My eyes darted to her as she said the words firmly.
Brows in deep creased, “Why?” I asked quietly.
Shay curved a sad smile, “Because that’s not the Aira I know,”
That moment, I felt like being stabbed in the chest.
“Humairah that I know don’t waste time on boys, and would never go as far as shedding tears because of them. I told the people that what they heard about you and Ashton was just a rumour. You’re somebody, it’s easy to make small things seem big. Maybe you and him just talked about work and by his friendly character they thought he’s a crush on you or something. They tried to convince me that it’s not, but I couldn’t believe them. I walked away, leaving the room right there and then. Nobody mentioned to me about that since,” she paused while looking away, “But now that you told me everything… I guess I was wrong,”
More tears were flowing on my cheeks. My sorry was choked in between the sobs. She defended me. She trusted me and legit defended me, but I betrayed her.
Her eyes found their ways to find mine again, “Where’s Aira that I knew 4 years ago?”
That’s when realization hit me hard.
My mind travelled back to the past, finding the old self that’s somewhere still buried in my soul. I could almost see her figure as she talked with people. Soft. Positive. Everybody looked up to her as she’s one so eager to try and do better things. She’s eager to change. I tried to remember back her visions. She always thought about the ummah, wrote poems and notes in her personal diaries. Her tears dropped on a page, blurring her writings, for she was too worried about Islam in today’s era.
She didn’t spare a thought about boys.
In fact, the only man that always crossed her mind was the Prophet, who she missed, very, very dearly. She wondered about where to find individuals like the companions. Why can’t we be like them, what makes us so lost, and how to fix it all.
That’s Humairah that Shay knew 4 years ago. I could tell she didn’t recognize this girl lying in front of her anymore. I didn’t even realize I’d changed that much, until now.
I need to find her. My tears had stopped once again, but this time, I didn’t intend to shed them again for the wrong reasons anytime soon. Determination burnt in my chest.
“Shay…” I called her. Our eyes met, “Thank you,”
She just smiled and hold my hand, gripping it a bit, “I still believe you,” she reassured, “I believe you’re a human who make mistakes and will correct them. That you'll do anything for the sake of yourself and others,”
I smiled back appreciatively at how well she knew me. Shay’s right. The fact that I hadn’t left Ashton yet was because I didn’t want him to hurt more. I didn’t wanna do like what Henley did to Kyle, when deep down I swear that’s what I wanted to do.
But was it worth it now? To put my heart on the line. For God’s sake, I’m a human who’s capable of feelings. I’m not immune to love.
Yet here I was, waiting. Breaking. Just because I didn’t wanna be the one who let go.
“What do you think I should do now, Shay? What would the old me do?” I asked, staring up the ceiling.
She gave me a sympathetic look, “Just do what you always do… Whatever you think is the best. I’m no expert in relationship,”
It’s probably meant to be a joke but none of us chuckled.
On that one gloomy night, we fell asleep beside each other, as our bond just became stronger than ever.
***
It's been years. And I'm becoming numb of these memories. Writing them back had made me realize that no matter how much I felt about it, it's passed. Now is what important the most.
Alhamdulillah for everyone in my life.
