Jauh

"Ada manusia yang lebih baik untuk kita jaga hanya daripada jauh," ujarku kepada El Khaira yang sedang memandu di sebelah, "Tidak semua orang kita perlu jaga secara dekat kalau akhirnya perkara itu cuma membawa keburukan kepada salah satu pihak. In this case, it's you. You're the one who's hurting."

Khaira mengekalkan pandangan ke arah jalan raya. Senyuman kecil terukir di bibirnya, menzahirkan sedikit kesedihan.

"Aku tidak bermaksud kau perlu putus hubungan dengan mereka. Just... doakan daripada jauh," aku mencadang.

Khaira mengeluh, "That's the problem, Ra. Aku tidak boleh hendak doakan mereka,"

Dahiku berkerut. Aku menoleh ke arahnya.

"Aku sudah kecualikan nama mereka daripada doaku. Teruk, bukan?" Khaira tersenyum tawar, "Hati aku rasa pedih sangat dengan perbuatan mereka sampai tahap I can't utter their names in my prayers... Not anymore,"

Informasi ini membuatkan mulutku terkunci seketika.

Mana tidaknya? El Khaira merupakan seorang sahabat yang aku tahu tidak lokek menyebut nama kawan-kawannya dalam doa. Meskipun kelihatan tegas dalam menjaga imej dan tanggungjawab sebagai wanita Islam, Khaira mempunyai hati yang sangat lembut dan pandangan dunia yang terbuka. Tidak semudah itu dia hendak mengetepikan, apatah lagi membiarkan orang yang bermakna dalam hidupnya kelam daripada cahaya Tuhan.

"I'm such a bad person, aren't I?" suara Khaira memecah lamunanku, "Aku tak patut berhenti doakan mereka. I claimed that I care for them, but I'm doing this..."

Aku menggeleng, "Bukan salah kau," aku mulakan bicara, "Kau manusia, Khaira. Kau dibenarkan untuk rasa marah, untuk sakit hati kalau orang buat teruk dekat kau. Kau berhak untuk kecualikan mana-mana nama pun dalam doa kau. It's not your fault that they hurt you," aku cuba untuk memujuk Khaira daripada menyalahkan diri sendiri.

Khaira mengangguk perlahan, tetapi dengan wajah yang masih sugul.

Aku tahu, dengan pujukan apa sekalipun, dia tetap akan merasa serba salah. Itulah Khaira. Suka mengutamakan orang lain melebihi dirinya.

Kami membiarkan suara Maher Zain mengisi ruang kesunyian sementara Khaira mencari parkir di sekitar DECTAR.

Zestasia - Final Chapter

An epiphany had came upon me.

These days, I had been thinking about memories we could have together. I had goals and plans for the final semester. And I wanted to execute them before we end our degree.

But a small part of me kept asking,

Is this the right thing to do?
What do I get from all of these?
Since when do I become a superficial who needs a person to physically present to be sure that they're there?

My mind was clouded and my soul couldn't seem to accept this. So I reached out to people. I asked and asked, until I found the answer I wanted.

I want to be your friend, lillahi ta'ala.

It doesn't matter if we don't talk anymore. It doesn't matter if it hurts that you build this wall up between us, and stop taking care of my heart entirely. I'm your friend for His sake, hence I only want good for you.

No more risky plans. No more goals that can taint our reputation. If being far is the best place for me to take a good care of you, then so be it. It's still painful sometimes. It's not okay. But Allah won't let it go to waste. And I believe that.

Let's take care of each other well.

***

Zestasia is another "book" I wrote on wattpad. It isn't a story. More like a collection of letters or something.