Gap

Me and Maya were talking about a hangout plan through a WhatsApp call that night.

"I'm honestly very unsure to join." I repeated this answer a few times already, but she didn't give up.

"Actually, Rin..." She replied. "Can I ask you something? And I want you to be honest with me."

I nodded while speaking. "Okay." I knew how much Maya appreciate straight-forward communication.

"I noticed you're no longer passionate in our friendship like before."

True.

"At first, I thought it's because of all this adulthood matters. But over time... I don't know, it seems like the dynamic has changed between us four. You no longer want to spend time with us, instead you choose your other friends despite how far they are. Is something wrong? Can we try to fix it?"

I sighed. "Maya," I wet my lips. "You're right. I'm a bit surprised that you noticed."

"Of course I do." She chipped in.

"But it isn't your fault. You're good. It's..." I paused. "Aafi." I mentioned one of our girls. "I don't feel fun with her. The conversation feels childish. It's like you're 16 and never grew up. Aren't we all adult now? I don't know what a proper adult should be conversing but the only highlight I remember talking with her last time is about a boy. Can you believe it?" I ranted. It felt so good to get it out of my chest, I could hardly stop.

Maya didn't respond. I wasn't sure if she was surprised or just waiting if I wanted to speak more.

"I don't dislike her. I don't want to risk our friendship. I just... There's this gap that makes me not enjoy her presence anymore. And you know when I don't enjoy my time with somebody, I'd rather be alone. Especially you three for some reason really like to be 'all or nothing' is our plan. Can we just chill with two or three of us sometimes without it being an issue?" I continued.

"I get what you mean." She finally replied. "You know Aafi. She doesn't have the opportunity to progress in our pace. People often overlook the fact that financial status does effect emotional well-being. When you can only do so much, you have less things to worry and more time to waste."

"Hardship builds character." I agreed. "And it'd be apparent if you don't face much."

"Remember Casey? She was also quite childish before. But then she lived 5 years in adversity and turned out really attractive; personality-wise." Maya reminded me of our school mate.

"Oh, yes." I did remember her. "I felt very content talking with her last time, though we didn't even vibe in high school. It's insane."

I bet Maya was nodding her head. "Ditto."

We both were silent for a few seconds.

"So... now that you know what I feel about our friendship..." I trailed off.

"I can't speak on behalf of the girls, you know that." She chuckled slightly. "But I won't force you to join us in every hang out anymore. Personally, I wouldn't mind. It's just a wonder before, why you acted different."

"Because my level of tolerance is lower than yours, Maya." I cut in with a smile.

She laughed. "She will grow up. We all do."

Ijazah

 "Diatur," Aku bersuara sambil memandu. "Berbunyi seperti keperluan seorang 6 tahun, kan?"

Nia tidak membalas.

"Seperti tak sesuai untuk dibuat terhadap seseorang yang sudah punya identiti sendiri, mampu membuat keputusan sendiri dan bertanggungjawab atas baik buruknya. Seorang dewasa macam kita, dan remaja macam mereka."

"Tapi mereka belum betul-betul faham keputusan yang mereka nak buat." Nia tak setuju. "Aku tak rasa kita patut biarkan generasi akan datang tak berpendidikan, Ra. Apa nak jadi kalau semua orang tak mahu sambung belajar dan mahu terus bekerja? Memanglah kelulusan SPM pun boleh jadi HR gaji ribu riban sekarang, tapi akhirnya kita akan jadi masyarakat dan negara yang tak bijak." Dia menggeleng dengan bayangannya sendiri. "Hidup cuma mengejar duit."

Tiba-tiba kami memikirkan masalah negara.

"Atau..." Aku menyatakan kemungkinan di sudut lain. "Kalau semua orang sambung belajar, kita akan menjadi negara yang graduannya menyumbang kemahiran di negara lain sebagai pekerja asing, dalam pekerjaan bawahan yang tiada kaitan pun dengan ijazah mereka." Aku menolehnya sekilas di tempat duduk penumpang. "Sebab negara kita sudah tak mampu nak wujudkan peluang pekerjaan untuk graduan, sejumlah dari generasi kita sehingga beberapa tahun akan datang. Ramai."

Dia terdiam.

"Aku tak salahkan sesiapa tak mahu sambung belajar. Kau nampak sendiri, generasi kita pun masih dalam dilema. Yang berkerjaya bagus, tidak gembira. Yang tidak mahu melalui jalan sama, juga tidak gembira. Kita habiskan masa, tenaga dan wang hanya untuk terpedaya."

"Ra..."

"Kau pun tahu kan, Nia? Aku, contohnya... Aku dah bagi semuanya... Semuanya kepada sistem ini. Aku percayakan kata-kata mereka bahawa belajar pandai maka masa depan cerah, belajar tinggi nanti hidup senang. Aku kehilangan keseronokan remaja. Aku hilang peluang-peluang yang mereka kata tak penting. Aku capai sebaik-baik keputusan dengan jerih dan air mata." Perbualan kami menjadi terlalu peribadi bagi aku. "Dan aku cuma minta satu."

Nia menunggu aku menyambung bicara.

"Aku cuma minta untuk tak jadi cikgu." Sesuatu yang sejujurnya semua orang tahu. "Tapi akibat permintaan yang satu itu, sistem ini tidak memberi apa-apa semula pun kepada aku."

Ruangan itu menjadi sunyi.

"Generasi akan datang bukan manja. Mereka bukan malas. Tapi mereka tak mahu terpedaya. Macam kita."

Setia

"Ia menghancurkan kepercayaan aku," Aku menambah. "Bahawa apa-apa hubungan boleh kekal jika dijaga, meskipun perasaan antara mereka kian pudar."

Dia menunggu aku selesai berbicara.

"Ternyata ia sangat susah. Aku dah cuba untuk wujudkan balik keserasian kami, tapi...aku tak rasa apa-apa. Tawar. Kosong."

"Kau tahu, Ai?" Dia mula menyuarakan respon. "Usaha kita takkan boleh melawan takdir."

Aku berkerut.

Dia menyambung. "Aku faham kau cuba untuk setia. Tapi sekuat mana pun kita berusaha, andai Tuhan sudah takdirkan perpisahan, maka itulah yang akan berlaku."

'Tapi aku tak mahukan perpisahan.' Getus hatiku.

"Jadi, apa yang lebih penting daripada usaha ialah kita berdoa supaya Allah kekalkan hubungan itu. Hati kita semua Allah yang pegang. Hati kau tu, Allah yang pegang."

Aku merenung seketika jawapannya. Kemudian mengangguk setuju. "Kau betul." Aku senyum. "Terima kasih."

22 Pengajaran pada 2022

1. Bergantunglah kepada disiplin, bukan motivasi. Supaya pada hari motivasimu hilang, disiplin masih membantu kau hidup.

2. Jangan bandingkan muka surat pertama kita dengan bab ke-10 orang lain.

3. Ternyata aku boleh saja hidup tanpa orang yang aku fikir aku takkan mampu hidup tanpanya.

4. Ada orang yang kurang berkelayakan boleh mendapat sesuatu jawatan dan ada orang yang lebih baik pula mendapat kurang daripada itu, kerana Tuhan memberi rezeki kepada siapa yang Dia kehendaki.

5. Realiti adalah lebih kompleks daripada teori, kawan.

6. Kau takkan faham cabaran sesuatu sehingga engkau yang diuji sebegitu.

7. Nikmat juga satu ujian. Bahkan ia ujian yang lebih banyak menggagalkan berbanding kesusahan.

8. Manusia takkan pernah puas dengan nikmat sehinggalah tanah memenuhi mulutnya (mati).

9. Rumitnya perasaan, sehingga kita mampu menyayangi dan membenci orang yang sama pada waktu yang sama.

10. Tingkah laku yang baik tidak terikat dengan cinta atau sayang. Boleh jadi seseorang mencintaimu tapi tidak berbuat baik kepadamu, dan boleh jadi seseorang berbuat baik kepadamu padahal dia tidak pun mencintaimu.

11. Natijah ilmu ialah amal. Bukan gambar, bukan tulisan.

12. Lepaskan yang mahu melepaskan diri.

13. Banyak bisikan dalam kepala kita sebenarnya adalah suara yang dibisikkan  kepada kita pada zaman kanak-kanak.

14. Tiada haluan hidup yang tiada kesusahan.

15. Hanya orang mati yang tidak akan berubah.

16. Melangkahlah walaupun fikiranmu belum senang. Kerana fikiran memang akan menjangkakan hal buruk untuk kita bersedia, namun langkah pertama sebenarnya tidak selalu seburuk itu.

17. Perbezaan tidak perlu menatijahkan permusuhan.

18. Ambil masa untuk refleksi. Tenggelam dalam kesibukan tugas seharian boleh menjadikan kita lupa apa yang sebenarnya penting dalam hidup. 

19. Orang memperlihatkan kesenangan bukan kerana hidupnya senang belaka, tapi kerana tiada siapa sukakan karakter yang sedih. 

20. Sebaik apa pun kamu, kamu tetap jahat dalam cerita seseorang.

21. Orang yang tak sanggup hadapi kerendahan takkan capai ketinggian. Orang yang tak sanggup hadapi susah takkan jumpa senang.

22. Jaga diri. Kerana tiada siapa yang akan menjagamu dan menyelamatkanmu selamanya. 

Bukti

Aku dibesarkan dalam keluarga yang solat dan mengaji. Sejak kecil, aku suka membaca kisah para rasul dan mendengar ceramah Ustazah Al-Bahyah. Zaman remaja aku habiskan di sekolah agama berasrama penuh, dengan peraturan kewajipan memakai tudung labuh, pengasingan lelaki dan perempuan, serta qiamulail setiap hujung minggu. Tamat zaman remaja, aku memilih ijazah sarjana muda di Pusat Kajian Usuluddin dan Falsafah, Fakulti Pengajian Islam. 

20 tahun pertama hidup aku hanya dikelilingi oleh orang-orang yang mengenal Islam dan mengamalkannya. Selepas itu, aku mengambil jalan yang berbeza - keluar dari kelompok agama. Mungkin kerana aku mahu buktikan bahawa pelajar agama boleh hidup di mana saja.

Aku mulakan kerjaya pertama di bahagian kewangan (finance) dalam sebuah syarikat perabot (bespoke furniture) dan rekaan dalaman (interior design). Ternyata membumikan Islam dalam syarikat milik bukan Islam dan bersekitaran tidak islamik tidaklah semudah yang disangka.

**

~ Cabaran 1: Pakaian ~

Uniform di sini ialah sehelai baju t-shirt hitam berlengan pendek.

Di Maahad, seorang ustazah yang aku sayang pernah berpesan untuk tidak membiasakan diri memakai seluar. Disebabkan aku menyayanginya, aku tidak lagi memakai seluar pada zaman universiti. Tapi aku harus melanggar prinsip yang satu itu apabila aku mula bekerja di sini.

Aku mula membeli inner shirt, seluar jeans, dan skirt pendek. Inilah pakaianku 5 hari seminggu. Mujur tiada kewajipan menampakkan logo syarikat di baju, jadi aku boleh kekal memakai tudung labuh. Hari keenam, kami dibenarkan untuk tidak memakai uniform. Kebiasaannya aku akan memakai dress tanpa lengan dipadankan dengan cardigan labuh. 

~ Cabaran 2: Makanan ~

Siapa sangka aku perlu risau bab halal haram makanan di Malaysia, sebuah negara majoriti Islam. Tapi itulah hakikatnya apabila syarikat gemar meraikan majlis hari jadi di restoran, yang mana kedai kek dan restoran adalah milik bukan Islam dan tiada sijil halal. Satu-satunya jaminan ialah mereka tidak menghidangkan arak dan babi.

Halal haram makanan sebenarnya lebih luas daripada arak dan babi. Ia termasuk cara sembelihan, jenis binatang, dan bahan-bahan yang suci atau najis di sisi syarak. Makan bersama mereka, aku harus berpura-pura seperti aku berada di sebuah restoran di Korea - selalu memilih makanan laut bagi mengelakkan daging dan ayam yang tiada jaminan cara penyembelihannya. Aku masih di Malaysia yang tidak dikira darurat sehingga perlu terlalu mengambil ringan. Maka aku cuba bersederhana semampunya.

~ Cabaran 3: Carutan ~

Umpama zikir selepas solat, carutan pelbagai bahasa ialah budaya di sini. Kita sudah dewasa, tapi entah kenapa, amarahnya masih seperti remaja. Aku teringat akan Nirnama. Bagaimana agaknya dia boleh tenang dan kekal teduh di tengah-tengah masyarakat yang penuh maksiat? Jawapannya, cuma perlu tempuh dan bertahan. Jiwa aku ikut panas mendengar ratib mereka pada mulanya. Tapi lama kelamaan, aku sudah terbiasa. Tidak redha, namun tidak melawan. Kerana dakwahku ialah akhlakku. Dan aku tahu mereka memerhatikan itu.

~ Cabaran 4: Berhala dan Arak ~

Ini ialah cabaran yang membuatkan aku berhenti memperjuangkan. Sebagai syarikat yang masih berkembang, seorang pekerja harus mampu memikul dua jawatan sekaligus. Aku terlibat dalam semua projek; sebahagiannya melibatkan rekaan kabinet berhala dan perhiasan peti sejuk arak. Kami cuba untuk membahagikan tugasan supaya aku tidak terlibat dengan bahagian-bahagian tersebut, tapi gagal. 

Tambahan, apabila ada makan-makan bersama staff bukan Islam pula, aku terpaksa hadir majlis yang dihidangkan arak padanya.

Aku akhirnya memilih untuk undur diri.

Orang kata keputusan aku terburu-buru, kurang bijak, bukan yang terbaik. Tapi aku sudah berfikir selama berbulan-bulan, bertanya pendapat rakan-rakan yang memahami agama, dan melazimi istikharah kepada Tuhan. Usaha apa lagi yang harus aku lakukan bagi mendapatkan jawapan? Hanya kerana mereka tidak tahu dan tidak faham, maka segala yang tidak masuk akal mereka adalah salah. Menurut mereka, yang paling tepat ialah memikirkan wang, apa yang mampu dicapai dengan wang, dan apa yang akan gagal didapatkan jika tiada wang.

Mereka lupa tentang keberkatan. Atau lebih menakutkan, istidraj - masih dikurniakan wang meski tiada taqwa, dibiar tenggelam dalam nikmat sehingga neraka di depan mata. 

**

"Pelajar agama boleh hidup di mana saja." Aku benar, dan aku salah.

Benar, kita boleh hidup di mana saja kerana keharusan dalam Islam itu adalah lebih luas daripada keharamannya.

Salah, aku lupa bahawa ada beza antara "boleh hidup" dengan "boleh hidup dengan baik".

Bekerja

Masa aku mula-mula menjalankan perniagaan, aku jaga semua yang aku rasa aku patut jaga. Dhuha, tolong parents, tahajjud, quran, zikir. Pendapatan aku agak memuaskan pada waktu itu. Aku terfikir, "Oh, Tuhan sayangkan aku sebab aku jaga apa yang patut."

Tapi lama-kelamaan, aku teruji.

Sebagaimana yang aku pernah kata, buku bukan barang keperluan. Bahkan ia dikira sebagai barang mewah. Pelanggan sedia ada perlu menghabiskan bacaan mereka terlebih dahulu, sementara pelanggan baru pula sangat sukar untuk diperoleh. Tambahan adat kitaran ekonomi yang umpama domino, kekurangan wang orang lain mempengaruhi peniaga kecil seperti aku. Maka, pendapatan aku semakin berkurangan.

Hasil mula berubah, sedangkan aku masih menjaga apa yang patut.

Mengapa?

Kerana aku tersilap meletakkan amalan sendiri sebagai kayu ukur rahmat Tuhan. Sedangkan dunia tidak bergerak begitu. Agak sukar untuk kita menentukan bahawa sesuatu itu adalah rahmat atau musibah. Boleh jadi yang senang itu adalah musibah jika kita angkuh. Boleh jadi juga kesempitan itu adalah rahmat kerana menjadikan kita semakin dekat dengan Tuhan.

Amalan itu tanggungjawab.

Amalan itu juga ikhtiar.

Kita salah sama sekali jika menyangka bahawa kita mampu memberi sebarang bekas di sini. Meski yang menyalakan api itu kita, yang membuat sesuatu berasa panas dan terbakar itu Tuhan. Meski yang menepuk tangan itu kita, yang mengizinkan bunyi untuk terhasil itu Tuhan.

Meski yang bekerja itu kita, yang memberi itu Tuhan.

Back to December

It is December. A month that reminds me about him the most. I felt like writing something related, but I've spent a potion of my life for him too much. Our story isn't something that I have regrets about. But it has ended. And I'd like it to stay that way.

So, instead of focusing on our story, I'd like to reminisce a bit of my growth. A chapter of my life that not many know.

***

- October, 2015 -

“Aira, wake up,” Maya’s soft voice was heard and I felt a hand around my shoulder.

I turned my body and opened my eyes a bit to see her already sitting on my bed, “What do you want?” I stretched.

“What do I want? Girl we got two last papers tomorrow. Come on get up and study. Since when did you sleep early on exam’s nights?”

Since I’m depressed because of a boy. I didn’t need to voice out my thought to make her felt like something’s wrong. I’d fully awaken but still hadn’t got the motivation to sit up.

“Come on,” she urged again, giving me some space to move.

I finally sat up, reached for my book and opened it in front of her.

“Look, I got the target questions but we must keep it low key because chances are, these are exactly what will be on the papers tomorrow,” she put a piece of paper on my book.

I furrowed my brows, “Where did you get this?”

Sideway smile, Maya answered, “I have my way,”

Her boyfriend. I didn’t know how, but she always asked him about the questions and he mostly got them accurately.

“Just trust me, okay,” she reassured.

I gave flat smile and marked the related topics before handed the paper back to her.

“What’s wrong?” she asked as she kept the paper. Told you she'd knew if something was wrong.

I sighed, “Ash,”

Her face turned to a deep frown.

“He didn’t give any goody to me, but to Marina. Mel handed it in front of my eyes saying it’s the last one,”

Maya whined, “He did WHAT?!”

Juniors beside my bed snapped their eyes to her, but only received an eye roll from Maya before minding their own businesses back.

“It’s fine. It’s just a goddamn goody,” that he didn't give you because you're nobody in his life. Even Marina is on top of you. She matters more to him than you do. I shook off the thoughts, fingers started to flip the pages.

Maya held me with doubting eyes, “Okay,” she didn’t push though.

We started to focus on our books and let the silence filled. For a few minutes. Before I let the huge sigh slipped from my lips as I realized nothing absorbed by my brain.

“Easy there…” Maya eyed me with pity.

I tried again but my mind kept messing with me.

Nerd. He's probably annoyed with you being easy and vulnerable most of the time. Cutting your friendship just to find out you're the loser. Pathetic.

Eventually, I looked away from the book. Maya put her attention on me again. My head down, I covered my face with my hands, “I can’t do this,” I confessed, “I’ve never been this bothered that I literally, can’t, focus, on anything else,” I stressed.

“You can do this, Aira. You’re stronger than this,” she encouraged.

I just quiet. Moments passed. Small sobs started to come out of my mouth. And that’s when she realized how serious this had affected me. She took a hand of mine, exposing my wet eyes. Tears rolled down my cheeks and dropped on a page of the book.

“I can’t…” I forced the words out, “Why does he do this to me? Why did he do it during a trial week?” I cried, “Why her?”

I heard Maya swore under her breath. She didn’t do anything but let me letting it all out first. It took minutes for me to gradually sober up. Once my sobs had slowed down, she took that as a cue to start moving and sat closer to me with the target questions paper in hand, “Do you see this?”

I gave a small nod.

“Why do you think Allah give this to you?” she asked.

I was taken aback.

“So that you can cry all night and neglect your study? So that you can blindly ignore His gift at the times when you need it the most, letting go of your A's, because of a boy?”

I stared at the paper blankly as she uttered the words.

“These are the 99% questions for both papers tomorrow, Aira. Ashton is nothing, nothing compared to how important this exam is. Don't ruin yourself like this. Allah has literally eased tomorrow for you... Please don't take it for granted,”

I silenced for a few more moments, contemplating her words. Finally, gathering my strength, I chinned up, “You’re right,” I said, “Thank you,”

She curved a smile, “You lost yourself for a bit there,” she stated understandingly before we continued studying.

**

- November, 2015 -

It was the night after the quiz. We had two more days here – one for other competitions and one for the closing ceremony.

Shay and I were lying on one single bed, sharing it as usual. The dorm here was so different from the practice place. It was the opposite of cozy. The fan’s broken, bed’s old and dusty, you’ve to buy your own food, but we got allowance so I guess that’s fine. Other participants decided to sleep on the floor; still on the bed but they dragged them on the floor. Probably because they’re afraid if the rusty iron suddenly fell on them or something.

Not for me and Shay, though. We liked to have our little privacy. We could be completely silent beside each other and still felt content with it. I was on my phone when Shay was staring up the ceiling. Realizing she probably had enough rest she said she wanted, I turned off the phone and turned to lie on my side, facing her.

“What are you thinking?” I started the conversation with a slow voice.

It was late. Other participants had probably gone to sleep.

“Nothing,” she replied. Her eyes darted to the necklace I was wearing. She touched it, “It’s pretty,”

I smiled, “Thanks, someone gave it as a birthday gift,”

“Who?”

I was shut for a moment before finally answering, “Ashton,” It was a guitar-pick necklace with the name of my favourite band. There’s only 5 of them sold in my country. Very limited, indeed. I wasn’t that serious when I said I wanted it – I preferred a beanie more, but I guess it’s what suitable within his savings at that moment.

For a second, Shay seemed to be taken aback, “Oh,” she said.

“Yeah,” I responded sheepishly.

There was an awkward silence before she broke it, “Are you guys a thing?” she asked again.

My brows furrowed at the question. I thought everybody know about us? How did she not hear this?

“No,” I replied shortly, “We’re close friends, but not more than that… I think,”

Shay was studying my face, “Do you wanna tell me more?” It was more like a request than a question.

I looked at her eyes to find curiosity. She's my bestie, she deserved to know. Took a deep breath, I said, “Yes,”

And I told her everything. About Kyle, Henley, Amanda, Marina, Maya. She didn’t miss a thing. I smiled and I cried, the questions and confessions were all known by her. When I finally finished spilling, Shay remained silent. Her hand’s still on my shoulder as I wiped the last tear from flowing. My heart was filled with too many emotions in that moment, and I didn’t know if Shay could understand it.

After what seemed like forever, she finally voiced out, “I watched you during the accountancy paper 1 exam,” She was seated just behind me in the hall, “You slept,” Shay stated as a matter of fact.

I smiled flatly as I knew she noticed - I never slept in exam hall.

”You never slept in exam hall," she muttered as if reading my mind, "You didn’t check your answers as well. It’s weird. You just straightened your body, put your pencil aside… and slept,” There’s a hint of disappointment in her voice.

I didn’t think I could look into her eyes anymore, “I could do better, I know,” Another tear had threatened to come out.

We’re in a position where I laid on my back and Shay turned her body left side, facing me.

“You know, I’ve heard about you and Ashton before. People talk,” Of course they do, “They said you and him are a thing,”

This time, I was the one who quiet. Are we a thing? I don’t even know.

“But I don’t believe them,” My eyes darted to her as she said the words firmly.

Brows in deep creased, “Why?” I asked quietly.

Shay curved a sad smile, “Because that’s not the Aira I know,”

That moment, I felt like being stabbed in the chest.

“Humairah that I know don’t waste time on boys, and would never go as far as shedding tears because of them. I told the people that what they heard about you and Ashton was just a rumour. You’re somebody, it’s easy to make small things seem big. Maybe you and him just talked about work and by his friendly character they thought he’s a crush on you or something. They tried to convince me that it’s not, but I couldn’t believe them. I walked away, leaving the room right there and then. Nobody mentioned to me about that since,” she paused while looking away, “But now that you told me everything… I guess I was wrong,”

More tears were flowing on my cheeks. My sorry was choked in between the sobs. She defended me. She trusted me and legit defended me, but I betrayed her.

Her eyes found their ways to find mine again, “Where’s Aira that I knew 4 years ago?”

That’s when realization hit me hard.

My mind travelled back to the past, finding the old self that’s somewhere still buried in my soul. I could almost see her figure as she talked with people. Soft. Positive. Everybody looked up to her as she’s one so eager to try and do better things. She’s eager to change. I tried to remember back her visions. She always thought about the ummah, wrote poems and notes in her personal diaries. Her tears dropped on a page, blurring her writings, for she was too worried about Islam in today’s era.

She didn’t spare a thought about boys.

In fact, the only man that always crossed her mind was the Prophet, who she missed, very, very dearly. She wondered about where to find individuals like the companions. Why can’t we be like them, what makes us so lost, and how to fix it all.

That’s Humairah that Shay knew 4 years ago. I could tell she didn’t recognize this girl lying in front of her anymore. I didn’t even realize I’d changed that much, until now.

I need to find her. My tears had stopped once again, but this time, I didn’t intend to shed them again for the wrong reasons anytime soon. Determination burnt in my chest.

“Shay…” I called her. Our eyes met, “Thank you,”

She just smiled and hold my hand, gripping it a bit, “I still believe you,” she reassured, “I believe you’re a human who make mistakes and will correct them. That you'll do anything for the sake of yourself and others,”

I smiled back appreciatively at how well she knew me. Shay’s right. The fact that I hadn’t left Ashton yet was because I didn’t want him to hurt more. I didn’t wanna do like what Henley did to Kyle, when deep down I swear that’s what I wanted to do.

But was it worth it now? To put my heart on the line. For God’s sake, I’m a human who’s capable of feelings. I’m not immune to love.

Yet here I was, waiting. Breaking. Just because I didn’t wanna be the one who let go.

“What do you think I should do now, Shay? What would the old me do?” I asked, staring up the ceiling.

She gave me a sympathetic look, “Just do what you always do… Whatever you think is the best. I’m no expert in relationship,”

It’s probably meant to be a joke but none of us chuckled.

On that one gloomy night, we fell asleep beside each other, as our bond just became stronger than ever.

***

It's been years. And I'm becoming numb of these memories. Writing them back had made me realize that no matter how much I felt about it, it's passed. Now is what important the most.

Alhamdulillah for everyone in my life.